Remembering Her

Today we spent the first day of this decade, mourning the loss of a dear friend. This friend was in a place where she felt being here was too much and took her own life.

The news was a shock. If you knew her, you wouldn’t have even know she was struggling. She was always smiling when I saw her. She was so welcoming when we were new to Toronto. We had many dinners in their home. We spent time with this family and watched their boys grow. Our phone chats were always long.

The news hit me hard. I cried for two days. This response was a surprise to me because I don’t often cry when people in my life pass. I mean, I don’t loudly sob continuously. This was deep heavy grief. Something I’ve never experienced before.

This reaction helped me look at what is this strong, kind, caring, beautiful woman, my friend, sharing with me. What am I taking from this.

Some of my tears had to do with being a child and events that occurred, growing up. And yes, sadness for her husband and children left behind. Yes, the sense of not being able to control what will happen to the people in my life. Yes, the sudden news and shock. But I felt there was more there for me to uncover.

After many tears released, this finally came through.

We don’t belong to anyone. We don’t belong to our children. Our children don’t belong to us. We don’t belong to our parents. Our parents don’t belong to us. We don’t belong to our partners. We don’t belong to our jobs. We don’t belong to our friends. We don’t belong to anyone.

We belong to ourselves.

We are here for ourselves. This path. This journey. This life. No matter how much we try to avoid it...we are here for ourselves.

We are responsible for ourselves. We are responsible for our joy, our love, our fear, our hurt, our forgiveness, our gratitude. We are responsible for our health, our thoughts, our environment, our relationships.

I’ve been reflecting back to times where I felt like it all was too much. It was just after recovering physically from a chronic illness and I still felt disconnected and alone. Alone on an island where no one could possibly understand where I was at or coming from. I wasn’t actively seeking help but as it always does, the universe brought me to what I needed. It brought me to Soul Therapy. At the time I’m sure it could’ve been any therapy but I learned quickly why it was this kind. I can’t thank myself enough for this gift, as I don’t know who or where I’d be without it. This support helped me reconnect to me. It helped me gain back my power. It helped me learn about boundaries and gain an awareness of what I was able to control. It reconnected me to my Soul purpose, to the reason I am here. It reconnected me to my husband, to my kids. It helped me feel extremely honoured to be a mother. It helped me make decisions that felt scary. It made things clear. So clear that things felt calm. No more anxiety, no more sadness, no more loneliness. It gave me the gift of self love and connection.

The human experience is about Love and Connection. Period. I’ll say that again. The human experience is to feel Love and Connection. Often we assume this love, this connection, comes from others and yes those relationships are important but the most important relationship is the one with self.

Our mental thoughts can have so much power over us. The war within is a continuous struggle for all.

If you are struggling and feel alone on an island, know that your two year old self is in there, waiting for you. Waiting for you to give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be ok. Waiting for you to hear her again. Waiting to laugh. Waiting to play. Waiting for today.

Smile. You’re here.

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We love you Lisa. We'll miss you deeply.