The Memories We Do Not Feel

The past few weeks we’ve been practising a song to sing for my Grandmother for her 90th Birthday. My husband had the idea of seeking out a song in Portuguese that she would have heard and sung as a child.

He found a song and when he played it the first time, it sounded familiar to me. When we listened to it a second time, my body jolted into this need to cry. Like sob cry. I held it in and strong faced through listening a couple more times. While I held it in, I began to feel SO angry with myself. Was this “don’t cry in front of anyone” shit still engrained in me?! Come on! I’ve been working so hard at this!! Really?! Still?!

What showed up around this song initially was that it was igniting an emotion in me that I experienced as a child that was never fully released. Something I’ve held onto in my body for decades.

When I was around two or three, we lived in Portugal for a short time. Most don’t have memories from that young an age but I have quite a few from our time there. I knew these tears were from a moment in time but which one?

I tried to go on with my day but found I was growing irritable and attempting to distract myself. My body felt tight and my back hurt. I new I needed to have a good cry but I also DID NOT want it to be alone. I’ve made it my mission to NOT cry alone and to model to my kids that tears are ok and don’t have to be weird or uncomfortable.

At dinner, we put the song on again. Repetition was key if we were all going to learn it in time! I paused it so that I could exclaim that I needed to cry and it’s because of something but not sure what or why but that my body just needs to release some sort of trauma around this song, so don’t get weird. I had a cry but it was still a guarded one and felt sort of stuck. Baby steps I guess.

When I was tucking my son in at bedtime, I asked him if I could hold him like a baby while he fell asleep. Not the norm but I just felt like I wanted a good baby snuggle from my now three year old. I started humming the song as I held him and it was then that a memory came through around me being separated from my sister when we went to the daycare there. I began to sob.

This memory showed up over the years but there was no emotion attached to it. A memory I had but never really understood the importance of why it kept showing up. Never understanding the emotional release that was needed from it. One that kept showing up to grab my attention. When I was able to finally embrace the emotion and cry, I was able to understand HOW this moment in time impacted me most of my life.

The dynamic I’ve had with my older sister has been one of constant closeness and separation. We would be inseparable one moment and then worst enemies the next. Even though the separation was physical, this pattern continued to show up for me in our relationship because the emotion of sadness and fear wanted to be released. When I reflect on every single separation that occurred with her, I never cried, I was only mad. My sadness was repressed and the emotion I allowed to come through each time was anger, as that was what was modelled to me as a child.

The other new awareness that came through from this memory was feeling like this was the first time I was separated from my entire family. It wasn’t just my parents that weren’t there, now my sister was gone too. I was fully alone and scared. And this makes me reflect back on my life and recognizing that I NEVER liked being alone. As an adult I would often seek out friends to hang with constantly or always be in the communal room of the house where someone was always around, even if we weren’t engaging, the physical presence was comforting.

When I think about the relationship my mother had with her siblings, there was also a constant togetherness and divide. Being separated from family is a deep wound that runs through my female lineage. These wounds can be ones that we carry in us but the experience is different. This has also allowed me to see how this shows up in my children and their dynamic as well. This is something that I have released in me but for them as well. So they can live more freely in their relationship together.

I’m grateful to have these healing moments. To be able to listen to that jolt in my body brought forth by a piece of music and finally being ready to listen. I’m grateful for the Soul Parent | Spiritual Child™ program, as it has allowed me to recognize that these memories we hold have meaning and when we become aware of the why and how, we can release and have a deeper connection to ourselves, our mothers and our children.

If this resonates and you are seeking a more deeper connection to yourself and in your relationships, I would be honoured to support you in your journey.