The Wounds Of Our Mothers

I was all set to publish my January 1st blog post and paused when I got a call from my mother. I never know what to expect when I get a phone call from her as she's struggled with alcohol for most of the time I've known her. When we hear alcoholic mother, most assume the worst. Let me tell you a bit about my mom.

She's been nothing but unconditionally loving from the time that I could finally understand what that really meant. What do I mean? Many of us can verbalize that we love unconditionally and then we turn around and place all these conditions on our love for others. And I can say that because I have done it. We all have. My mother always supported our choices and never really put heavy rules around how we wanted to live our lives. She never pressured us to do anything, she never took things away, "grounding" wasn't really a thing, she was always there to pick us up or drive us somewhere, she loved us no matter the choices we made. What's interesting is that my perception of this was "why doesn't my mother love me enough to put boundaries in place?". Ha! Looking back at teen me and young adult me and seeing how I raise my kids now, I really had a good head shake once aware of this and then a good giggle. She gave me love and freedom and I complained about it. Yup. These feelings stem from a place earlier than the teen years though. This will make sense by the end. So yes, she is a loving mother and also a woman who is experiencing her own joys and pains of life, which she has turned to alcohol to numb the pain parts. She's not evil, abusive, conniving or selfish. She's hurting. As we all are. And this deserves compassion.

My mother has drank more heavily in her aging years and it's always bothered me so much. She saw sobriety for about two and a half months this past summer into fall and has since returned to her coping mechanism of alcohol. Finding out on her birthday in November that she was drinking again, made me so angry and this anger has stayed with me since then, until today.

When I answered, my mom started the call with telling me how much she loves watching the videos of the kids online and how much she loves them. She then immediately went into sharing with me a memory she had about the night of my wedding. She shared a moment I had with my nephew where he broke a glass and I apparently got really upset with him about it. I honestly do not recall this encounter but it seemed to really stick with her that she felt today January 1, 2021, was the time to let me know that it wasn't right and that I should apologize to my nephew.

Now, I've done enough healing to be able to receive another's feelings and point of view on something and thank them for bringing something like this to my attention, which I did. I've also done enough healing to know that there was something more to her holding onto this memory. I was ready to accept her advice and to hang up and move on with my evening but the angry kid in me decided to poke the bear a little bit (I didn't say I'm fully healed).

I opened up the conversation and asked her more about her perspective of this memory she held. Was it the way I spoke to him? Was it that he broke the glass and he was "in trouble"? Was there something about witnessing his experience that may have reminded her of something that happened in her life or her childhood? Her responses were no and then proceeded to ask me "did you not have a good childhood?". Uh, ok, that was sort of random. Usually I would not engage in this VERY deep question but today just felt important. Today was the first time I felt brave enough to share a few things with her that I wasn't even sure she was aware that I remembered about my childhood.

When I was old enough to remember, my mother attempted to take her life. I've held this memory of us trying to wake her, with me, to today. It's showed up quite a few times in my healing journey. An awareness I gained was that we can hold a memory and tell ourselves that we are ok and have moved past it (which I did most my life) but until we acknowledge, feel and release the true feelings of that memory, we cannot fully heal from it. Part of what showed up for me was feeling like her attempt was my fault, that it was because I was bad, that she did not want to stay and love me. I felt like if I said the wrong thing, she may attempt it again, so talking to her about feelings felt like eggshells. There were also feelings of abandonment, that I carried through my life from that experience. Through the past couple years I've been able to release the feelings of blame as I know it wasn't because of me that she attempted her life but it was part of my healing to ask her WHY and I could never bring myself to ask her because the eggshells were still there for me.

I didn't need to spell it out for my mother about this memory I had, which surprised me. She was able to go there right away "oh my suicide?". I told her I remembered that time and how I used to feel like it was my fault that she wanted to die. She was surprised and shared that it wasn't because of me at all. She simply stated that it was because she felt so alone. She felt abandoned by my father not being present to her and felt like she couldn't do it all anymore.

I went on to share with her how I was always afraid to bring this up or ask her things about her life because I feared it would cause her to take her life. She reassured the little kid in me that it was ok to ask her anything about her life or her childhood.

Often when my mother shares with me, the angry kid comes out and I will interrupt her with jabs here and there, or bombard her with more questions. And today I was able to just LISTEN. She shared story after story. I listened to her joys. I listened to her pains. I cried with her. We talked about her mother and how she has forgiven her and made peace with her. And even though she was intoxicated through it all, it felt like these were things she hadn't shared about since they happened. They felt like subtle releases of wounds that she has carried for a long time. It felt lighter.

It felt so different this time, listening to my mother share herself. All I could think about was, how was no one there for you and your feelings? It was the first time I have had compassion for her. Ever.

I found the courage to ask my mother what had changed since her sobriety that has drawn her to drink again. She said it was because "she's alone. She's always alone".

Abandonment. See the pattern here? This is the part that is so fascinating to me.

This past year I've been revisiting the Soul Parent | Spiritual Child™ program as a continued self healing in repairing the relationship with myself, my children and my mother. Even though I am an educator in the work, I find many amazing benefits of continuing my healing journey. Part of the new awareness through the program was that abandonment was something that wasn't just experienced by me but that it was also a wound my mother carries and one that my grandmother also carried. This generational wound has been present in the female linage of my family even though the experiences and perception of abandonment were all different. What was even more spectacular was that my own children express feelings of abandonment, even though I spend pretty much every waking moment with them. They mirror this wound to me regularly as they carry it in them as well. They feel this in their being even though this has never been their life experience. And they will continue to feel this and express this to me until it has been healed BY ME.

That's where the work of this program comes in and why it's so beautiful and empowering. I have the ability to provide my children with the freedom of living in love and free to express, when I heal the wounds that I carry in my own life experience and also those before me. I have the ability to repair the relationship with my mother by becoming aware of these wounds and facing them and being vulnerable with her about them. Doing this will not only connect me more deeply to my children but also my grandchildren as they will not have to carry this wound.

This call today feels like a step towards healing this deep wound that has been carried in my family for so long. And reflecting on this, I was well aware of all of my feelings and the healing that needed to take place but it wasn't until I expressed and felt it all WITH my mother that I felt a shift in my being. I now appreciate the time healing takes and I continue to be patient with myself and those I have relationships with. What feels the most amazing is feeling free of the anger I have been carrying toward my mother. I FINALLY feel compassion for her life experience. I feel like I could talk to her again tomorrow and not have any expectations of the conversation (which I used to dread). I feel like my inner child no longer has to feel afraid to speak to her. I feel a little bit more whole today.

I guess I'm off to go give my nephew a call. Ha! I'm sure that will be interesting! More healing! Always!

If you feel a disconnect in the relationship with your mother and are curious to learn more about the Soul Parent | Spiritual Child™ Programs, I'd be honoured to connect with you.

Have a spectacular New Year of continued healing!

xo

Julie